Tag: family

ships to sea

She visited on a Sunday.

She went in, “Hello, it’s me here.”
But he barely opened his eyes.
Until he did.
And he asked for the time.

She was going to leave, but the nurses urged her to stay.
To talk to him.
So, of course, she did.
For ten minutes, whilst he slept.

The previous visit she’d taken him an old photo to look at.
There was a poem on the back.
She said it was about ships going out to sea.
She said it sounded like dying.

He’d asked her to put the photo at the end of the bed for him to see.

Sleep tight.

grown up.

I’ve watched my Dad being stretchered downstairs,
after hearing my Mum trying to resuscitate him on the bedroom floor.
Am I a grown up yet?

I’ve found the contents of my then boyfriend’s laptop,
which I later discovered,
when talking to the police,
would’ve landed him on a register for at least five years.
And I didn’t say a word for over a decade.
Am I a grown up yet?

I’ve scrubbed my sister’s blood from her bedroom carpet,
her bedsheets,
her clothes,
after driving an hour to take her to A&E.
Am I a grown up yet?

I travelled across continents trying to find escape,
but ended up being heartbroken at the hands of the one man I thought I could trust.
Am I a grown up yet?

I travelled back alone.
Never how it was supposed to be.
And had to pick myself up from zero.
I had nothing.
Am I a grown up yet?

I’ve had friends confess their suicide plans to me,
and have had to talk them out of it.
Am I a grown up yet?

I have a stable job,
yet feel completely replaceable.
No one would notice if I wasn’t there anymore.
Am I a grown up yet?

Every day I wonder how many days I have left with my loved ones.
I picture their deaths in vivid detail.

Is this what it means to be an adult?
Am I a grown up yet?