CTRL + H
reveals an awful lot.
oh, how i wish i’d known.
what to do.
but at 18,
i’ve done my research now.
five years on a register, minimum.
but you took more than just my innocence that night,
held it captive to a loaded gun
locked and ready, with screams of
“you are not good enough”
“you are the one who’s not right”
got away with your dignity and reputation too.
and where was mine?
left in tattered pieces, torn polaroids
of what used to be
me and you.
you left with no idea of what damage you’d inflicted
and i’m still 18
and sat on your bed in the dark,
still staring at the screen.
10 years on.
but it’s not too late to have you convicted.
you think you’ve got away with what you’ve done,
what you did,
what you excused away.
but i still remember that night
and the next day.
returning home to uni halls
broken, grey, defeated.
not telling a soul
well, not until recently,
so how much did you really get away with?
a phone blinking in gloomy bedroom lights
a google search history, and a site
for sore eyes
that morning where the coffee i made him went cold
when i told him to go
and another morning
where he said he didn’t want coffee at all
and i broke down crying; this isn’t a discussion anymore
holding his hair back whilst he was sick
after taking too many drugs, again
the smell of cigarettes on his mouth
and his lips
guitar melodies that used to be just for my ears
well i guess she hears
them now too
and a gut feeling,
that i knew it was all wrong
for a long time
but i still clung on
fingertips leaving reluctant fingertips
in the departure gate
turning back one final time to watch him go
and with each step,
sealed our fates
his to move on.
like him before.
and for me to remain.
within the lonely tales of folklore.
Today I found an old letter from you.
A letter from you.
Wishing me well.
“I hope this finds you well”
Sending me my stuff from Thailand that I’d left.
That it’d only taken you more than 6 months to get around to doing.
But you’ve “been busy”.
It was almost like one of those round robin Christmas cards.
“I’m doing so well”
“I’ve been so busy socialising”
“I’m truly living my best life”
You even had the audacity to sign off
Well, fuck you.
Your hand in mine
Our fingers intertwined
We’re both in too deep
And we hold on tight
So we don’t drift apart
As we drift off to sleep
Lips parting soft lips
You taste like fresh morning
Like nothing could come between this
Eyes out of focus
And I dont care anymore
Soft whispers between the sheets
I’ll count the ways I love you
But we’re not keeping score
Accidentally saying i do
Has become a bit of an in-joke
But we’re not joking anymore
I think we both already know
Turned to a spark
Then a wildfire
Through the forest of my haunted heart
Palm to palm
And cheek to cheek
Tangled in bedsheets
This is us now
You and me ♥️
oh, he’ll be there
for the good times
for the falling in love
over a bottle of red wine times
for the holding hands in the woods
and for the wishing on should
an eternity, a whole,
two bodies, but one soul
oh, he’ll be there
but not for when things turn sour
when minutes feel like hours
across the dining table
the candle light a token gesture
and not a word has been spoken yet
empty promises of, i’ll never leave you
but he won’t be there when it’s needed
punching, kicking, scratching, screaming
he won’t be there when the tears come streaming
he was there for the good version of you
on your best behaviour, you
for the confident, happy, exciting you
but when reality came, like an awesome wave
he couldn’t see it through
after all, i’ve come to learn, i was nothing more than a getaway car
that drove too fast
and eventually took us both tumbling
off the path
yes, i am talking to you.
you unbuckled your seatbelt and leapt
from the impending wreckage
and you ran
without a second glance over your shoulder
to see the flames
that you’d left.
(he won’t be there)
in the beginning, there was a time
when we were the talk of the town
a twisted love affair
but, in the end, you let me down
our days filled with conversation
i wore our love like a crown
our nights filled with tenderness
and still, you let me down.
there were months when you
were the only person i wanted to be around
my knight in a plaid shirt and slippers
and yet, you let me down
the cracks began to show
the crown fell to the ground
and you didn’t want to be there to help pick up the pieces,
that’s how you let me down.
and now i look back and i’m angry
that i turned my life upside down
all in the name of what i thought was “love”
and then you went and let me down
was i not worth fixing?
was i worth leaving to drown?
in the blackened waters of my mind?
was it easier to let me down?
i ask because you did it so easily
maybe you were on a huge comedown
of the idea of me
not the reality of me
and that’s how you let me down
what was once our palace
soon became a ghost town
but i will rise up from these ashes
and i won’t let myself down.
Things got very dark for me in the six months since I returned from living abroad.
I’m coming out the other side now.
I read back through the poems/pieces I wrote back then, and I feel like I’ve put some distance between how I was then, and how I feel now.
I’m healing. Slowly. But slow progress is still progress.
And I don’t want to delete those poems either. Because my feelings were valid at the time. And still are valid now.
But I’m doing better.
Touch wood. Because I still have OCD, don’t I?
(And for any of you wondering, love exists after heart break. And it’s even sweeter for it.)
the spaces in between.
the pauses in conversation when
we catch each other’s eye
and our breath
and we each know what that look means.
my hands, i now see
like pieces of a jigsaw
where i know the spaces between my fingers
would fit perfectly
the gaps between messages at 1am
i’ll stay awake for in this silence
to see “typing” followed by three dots…
in this deafening storm, you’re an island.
i may have many broken pieces
but without those shattered parts
where would this interstitial love grow,
but within the cracks of a mending heart?
Silence never sounds like it’s supposed to.
Silence is an echo chamber
of words unspoken,
and anxieties welling up to the surface.
Bubbling, bursting through the millpond of the mind.
Silence is an empty dancefloor
once the music has been turned off
and everyone has left
You’re left with the ringing in your ears, and a scratching in your throat
from screaming to be heard over that
Silence is an empty railway tunnel.
Gaping and anticipating
the next train of thought, coming along
bulldozing it’s way through the temporary vacancy between your ears.
Silence is a forest,
full of moss-covered rocks just waiting to be overturned.
Patches of fog hang despondently between the listless branches
Don’t peer too close, you might scare yourself
with the weight of all the things you do not know
that lie in the gloaming.
Silence is the gap between the thunderclaps.
That is all.
The rain it still pours.
And the echo of the last distance rumble
tumbles around your hollow head.
Silence is the torchlight of the interrogation.
Why weren’t you good enough?
When did it all go wrong?
Why are you like this?
Why can’t you just move on?
it never stops.
body can feel it, the
crushing weight of your absence.
drought for the soul.
fine, i’ll say, i’m doing
how have you been?
i‘ll ask you
just to start a conversation. it’s more than
kind of sad, that we’ve gone from
messed up, to almost
only we knew what we had, a
patient love, that grew
quietly, over time, like the confluence of two
rivers coalescing. they
time changes people, but i didn’t think it would change the course of
us, and now here i sit, staring
vacantly at the blank
wall, i’ll still finish my messages with an
you don’t. you’ve already